The past few weeks have been characterized by stockholders’ and bankers’ meetings, urgent reports and unpaid overtimes. What would normally get me edgy failed to do a thing for me. Each day it seems, I am sinking deeper into apathy or indifference. I just woke up one day realizing that it doesn’t make sense creating a fuss over small things. Before I was even aware of it, I was already applying that belief in almost every situation that I am in, regardless if they’re big or small. Come to think of it, I have gotten to the point when nothing is ever big or major in the way I view things.

I don’t get myself involved. This, I guess is one of the ugliest place one could ever be in. Worse than anger, worse than hatred and worse than pain because one is reduced to nothing.

Early last week, I broke up with someone. Odd that I only felt irritated for a good hour or so. True that I’ve shed a tear or two but that was born more out of frustration than pain or longing. The following day, it was just as if nothing ever happened. I know he won’t be there anymore, that we can’t even be friends, but truth be told, I couldn’t care less. It’s just like he came and he went and that was just that. He was as significant to me as an ordinary shopper having his bag checked by security at the entrance of the mall. Nothing.

Do I love him? I can say with a straight face, I don’t. There was one point when I believed I could learn to, but it never got to that. I’d often ask myself why get into a relationship with him in the first place? I’d only come up with the realization that I was only trying to save myself from apathy. Obviously, it was not enough.

I just don’t know where my life is headed to right now. I guess, no one will ever be sure but somewhere along the line, I feel as if I’ve lost hope. I feel as if I am but a robot going mechanically through each day. Without passion for whatever I do. Not that I feel sad. I am not. I’m just indifferent.

I remember a good friend I used to work with, Lance. He told me that there was a time when he would lie awake at night forcing himself to cry. He would think of the saddest thoughts and try with all his might to shed that damn tear, but his eyes remained parched. He said that with a perfectly serious expression that I had to laugh. Lance was a big guy. He was tall and intimidating. He does not go hand in hand with vulnerability. Besides, what person in his right mind would ever force himself to cry? I laughed until my stomach hurt and tears came to my eyes. He remained serious. I realized that there was no punch line. But I laughed anyway.

Looking back now with a stoic expression, I realize that what he said could not be any more serious. I could not feel, I could not cry. I do not feel pain, but I do not know happiness either. I have learned to let go of love when I used to cling on desperately to it, but I have also forgotten what it is all about.

At one point, it seems I’ve ceased existing.

What person in his right mind would ever force himself to cry? Only those who are trying to save what remains of their lives, I guess.


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"Logic is a broken man's respite."

---Angel