Entry: Loving Completely Tuesday, May 25, 2004



I hate it when I’m like this. I want to be in control, and in most things, I am. But whenever it comes to matters of the heart, I am so stupid. It just doesn’t make sense.

For years I have struggled to be whole. I believe that the truly complete person is one whose heart and mind is one. I have tried to make them whole. When my heart is subdued, I am in control, but when it breaks loose, I lose all sense of reason and I lose grasp of what is right and reasonable and often punish myself in the process. I hate myself for this. Years I strove to be whole, only to find out that I still am not.

Does love really entail vulnerability? I don’t think so. Not anymore. I found out that the reason I lose my head when I fall is because I do not love for the sake of just loving. I am driven by an inner desire to satisfy what is lacking inside. The need to be accepted, a need for validation, a need for affection? Whatever it is, there is a need I haven’t met yet. And this always makes me hang on to the point of stupidity.

Loving for me is not really about losing all sense of reason. Love is certainly not stupid. Love isn’t about following the heart blindly and listening only to what it has to say. It is something so much stronger than that. It is committing consciously, not only with the heart, but also with the mind. That to me, is what submission is all about. Committing one’s self fully. Both the heart and the mind. That to me, is loving completely.

And how does one commit one’s self fully if one is not yet complete to begin with?

Lately I have learned to let go gracefully, but I still can’t help crying rivers at night for all the sentimentalities. This is what I always misconstrue as love. Do I really cry over a loss of a person, or do I cry over a personal loss?

I have pondered on this for so long, and I theorize that when I lose somebody, it maybe that I do not really mourn that person’s loss but the bit of satisfaction he carries away with him. That factor that satisfies something within me. And so long as I have this feeling, I know my search for wholeness is not complete. I know that I am not capable of loving---for I am not capable of being selfless. I am not whole.

Is loving really as easy as following the heart blindly and getting into a relationship regardless of the consequences? Is it really about satisfying the yearnings of the heart and silencing the mind? Is it really about falling in and moving on? Do you not lose yourself little by little if you fall one day at a time?

Is it not possible to love a person not because of a need he satisfies within you, but because you just do? You love him completely, you love him as a person not because of what he adds to your life, but because of a greater glory that you both can do together. Nothing can be more selfish, I think, than to say one loves a person because he completes her. Isn’t it better to AUGMENT rather than to COMPLETE? Falling in love in order for one to be whole is falling in love for the wrong reasons.

Three years ago, I ended a five-year relationship. It took me over three years to learn to let go and finally move on. I emerged hollow and incomplete. I needed him to fill a void within me. It didn’t work and it broke me. Tonight I am ending a one-year relationship. Does he mean anything to me? A friend would mean much more. Do I sense a loss? Yes. Do I love him?

I have been through two serious relationships and knowing the things that I know now, I ask myself, have I really loved?

No. I don’t think I have.
   9 comments

angel
May 28, 2004   08:50 AM PDT
 
Just a bit of clarification here, should anyone have missed the "I", I meant *I* was expressing my belief. ;-)

subs and Paul: thanks for dropping by!:-) I do believe that Love is not only about the heart, rather, complete love is a perfect balance of both the heart AND the mind. Youth and the poets at heart would of course entail loving with only the heart, but depending on individual experiences, and in my experience, I have deducted that it IS a complete balance of the heart and the mind. I have fallen blindly once with only the heart. And all I can say is, you do not repeat the same mistake twice.;-)

denise: depends on how you define vulnerability, I guess. :-) In a nutshell, I do believe that one need not lose his sense of judgement in falling in love. Love perhaps, is life's greatest complexity and irony.

markus: hallu! kamusta na mark?! miss you bro!:-)
substance
May 28, 2004   07:26 AM PDT
 
love really is something beyond reason. it's a deep kind of feeling that is quite inexplicable. whaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Paul
May 27, 2004   06:56 PM PDT
 
maybe one just has to 'feel' rather than 'analyze'. let things flow and one will know if it's love or just a filler in one's life.
denise
May 27, 2004   02:13 PM PDT
 
i cried over someone i loss too. but i have also asked myself the same question - do i really cry over the loss of the person or do i cry over a personal loss? i believe it's both. but the thing that matters is which one weighs more.

i agree when you said that to be a truly complete person, one should have his heart and mind as one. however, most of us stick our hearts out without the mind with it. that's why falling becomes a tragic effort.

if i am something, i would definitely not be vulnerable. and being not so puts me at a risk of preventing people to come in but pretending to reach out. and ironic noh? so i guess at some point, it is indeed true that love entails vulnerability.

love is overrated. :)
markus
May 27, 2004   01:04 PM PDT
 
"And how does one commit one’s self fully if one is not yet complete to begin with?"

I totally lost all thoughts bothering me after finishing this part. This post answers a lotta love issues huh!
angel
May 27, 2004   08:23 AM PDT
 
margaux: hey margaux! thanks for taking the time to read this slightly lengthy entry.:-) Thank you for taking the time to understand the piece. Yeap, i am happy to know that I am not alone in thinking that the only way to really love is to love completely. Otherwise, what is loving for? It may sound too ideal, but I do believe that every ideal is worth fighting for. :-) Be dropping by your blog too.:-) have a great day!

moon^child: I am sorry to hear that. Life is full of complexities. One of them is love. Although things don't work out, I'd like to believe that in everything, we are in a win-win situation. A relationship doesn't work out, we have our lessons. It works out or it doesn't it's still worth going through because every experience is a step closer to wisdom.:-) Hope we could talk about this over coffee too. I would have loved that.:-)

akira: No problemo. I flood your comment box all the time too. Look, I'm flooding mine!hahah! To each his/her own I guess. Not meaning to take love into a cerebral level, but I always believe that there is always something more than what is on the surface. With love especially. Love in itself is beautiful, but I feel that it could be more, because it is worth so much more. And as margaux said, there is no other way to love but to love completely. Both with the heart and the mind. Selfless and complete. We only get to live in this world once, and I would rather live and see love in all its perfection. In all its splendor, otherwise, I'd rather not. This may sound too ideal, but I believe that it exists. And I believe that it's worth striving for. About the dumping spree, how I wish I could call it that!:-D But no, two relationships over a period of eight years isn't really what you would call a spree, right? Have a great week!
margaux
May 26, 2004   04:57 PM PDT
 
whoa. i don't know what to say. that entry just blew me away. :)

i agree with falling in love and committing yourself in a relationship -completely, with both heart and mind-. that's the only way to go. i hope you do find the right person for you and by the time you do so, you'd be able to love that person completely, without apprehensions.

good luck. :)
moon^child
May 26, 2004   09:53 AM PDT
 
i felt the same way. For me, loving someone and being loved in return would complete me. It's what i'm here in this world for. Without that "someone" I am incomplete, but i guess its only because i need someone around to validate my need to love and be loved. Yeah, i guess i am selfish.

I have been in two relationships where i thought i was "in love". It took me 2 years to get over the first one, and am still not over the 2nd one. But sometimes i *do* think that maybe it really wasn't love... maybe its just the loss of having someone in my life, someone to share my thoughts and dreams with, that pained me when we broke up. I dunno. It would be great to *really* love. I wonder if it will ever come to me...

I wish we could talk about this over coffee... or wine... *sigh*
akira
May 26, 2004   02:56 AM PDT
 
"No. I don’t think I have." -- such a pity for someone living in this world. it's the most beautiful thing i have ever felt. well, till it was gone. but that's the way life goes :)

maybe you haven't found anyone who's the right one for you, or maybe you think so much of your own issues that you think so much of these things, and at the same time, you got to be harsh with yourself.

love is love. no ifs, no buts. it is something totally inexplicable, yet you'll know when it's there.

it may never complete, but in abundant ways it complements. nothing could be more satisfying than that symbiotic relationship. Because in this world, however much we think that we can go our way, at the back of our mind is a certain need that must be fulfilled, that we can't do on our own, but can be done if someone's there...

Now who fills that void? Love.

I didn't want to flood your comment box, but somehow your entry shot through me; as such, I have to say such things.

Good luck on your dumping spree. It hurts, but as I said before, that's the way life goes.

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